Pass the Truth, Family

A billion years ago I was interviewed by Ms Claire Zulkey and I ended the interview with a list of the Best 61 Things I’ve Ever Done (to date). Many of these are true. Many others are not. It’s hard to tell the difference, so for all* of you who have been pestering me over the years for some clear answers (and thanks, in part, to the Freedom of Information Act), I have now provided you with a definitive list of Truths and Falsehoods.

YOU’RE WELCOME.

***

CZ: How does it feel to be the 62nd person interviewed for Zulkey.com.?

DR: It’s the 62nd-best thing I’ve ever done. The other 61 best things I’ve ever done:

1. Bought that WEEN country album - TRUE
2. Won 7th place in a pinball tournament - TRUE
3. Went on tour with Corn MO - TRUE
4. The dream I had about Joey Ramone and bees - TRUE
5. Memorized the lyrics to “Baby Got Back” - TRUE
6. Purchased SHORT CIRCUIT and TRIUMPH OF THE WILL at the same time - TRUE
7. Learned how to play “House of the Risin’ Sun” on guitar - TRUE
8. Met David Blaine - TRUE (that I met him, not that it was the best thing)
9. Got the Egg Wave and now I no longer have to settle for messy, greasy pans, or unhealthy sweets for breakfast - FALSE! MY EGGS ARE LIES!**
10. The hot dog tattoo on my right shoulder - NOPE
11. Downloaded the POLTERGEIST theme for my cell phone - TRUE? That was like six cell phones ago. But probably.
    
12. Turned down the role of “Chandler” on FRIENDS – NOPE (Source: Duh Afficionado magazine)
13. Got a photo credit in JANE magazine (9/03 issue) - TRUE
14. Remembered my Metro card this morning - TRUE (Still true!)
    
15. Named my cat Charlie Alpha Tango, instead of Superman Ratliff - TRUE
16. Made up a roller skating routine to “Footloose” – TRUE
17. Watched TEEN WOLF 42 times in the summer of 1986 - TRUE
18. Have never shit in a hamper - TRUE, but I know someone who has.
19. Do not pay too much for long distance - TRUE, but I know a guy who did.
20. Once had Paul Stanley leave my outgoing phone message - TRUE
21. Said “Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!” to my parents without getting in trouble - TRUE (jealous?!!!)
22. Learned how to drive - TRUE
23. Voted for Clinton. Twice. - TRUE. Both times.
24. Started eating meat again. - TRUE, then FALSE, then TRUE again.
25. Had a “pathetic geek story” turned into a comic strip in The Onion - TRUE
26. Won 2nd place in a beauty pageant (every time I play Monopoly) - TRUE (Monopoly-wise)
27. Built a robot out of old stereo parts and an already working robot - NOPE
28. Took that photo of Bush streaking the Alien hangar at Area 51 - NOPE
    
29. Got this lousy T-shirt (and nothing else) - FALSE? I do have a lot of lousy t-shirts, though.
    
30. Served ice cream to Sonny Bono - TRUE
    
31. Finally got “Lukenbach, Texas” out of my head - TRUE
32. Got “organizized” - TRUE (mostly)
33. Was published on Modern Humorist - TRUE
34. Met FOGHAT in a truck stop - TRUE
35. Learned thirty-two new Velveeta recipes - NOPE
    
36. Drank beer out of Jeff Sillie’s shoe on a dare - TRUE
37. Edited a movie called “Inbred and In Trouble” - TRUE
38. Finally collected all 432 “Precious Moments” - NOPE
39. Made a racist eat my scab - TRUE!
40. Survived the 60′s (but can’t remember them!) - NOPE
41. Started a religious cult in the 4th grade - TRUE!!!
42. Convinced my boss to let me buy silver binder clips instead of black ones - TRUE
43. Prom - TRUE?
44. My mom made Shake n Bake, and I helped - NOPE
45. Got a DVD of CATCH ME IF YOU CAN from David Cross - TRUE (Just found it yesterday)
46. Whoops!
    
47. Made Chris Weber see JOHNNY MNEMONIC on opening day - TRUE
48. Created kittenpants - TRUE
49. Learned to surf - NOPE
50. Turned down the role of “Puck” on The Real World - NOPE (I turned down the role of “San Francisco”)
    
51. Attended the 1996 Olympics in Atlanta - TRUE
52. Ordered the “guaco loco” for dinner - TRUE, although I prefer the Queso Loco.
53. I took college - TRUE
54. Learned how to play “Afternoon Delight” on the flute - TRUE
55. Hugged Jack Black - TRUE
56. Participated in “Hands Across America” - NOPE
    
57. Coined the phrase “You can put your boots in the oven but it don’t make ‘em biscuits.” - NOPE. I heard that from Dolly Parton.
    
58. Moved to NYC - TRUE, several times
59. Wrote a fan letter to John Schneider - TRUE
60. Survived spinal menengitis - TRUE
61. Got lost in Detroit with Steve Delahoyde and Claire Zulkey - TRUE. And now they’re married. Coincidence?
    

*all=none. But you already know that.

**according to my “lady doctor”

Note: the title of this post is an inside joke I have had with one of my best friends for so long, that it is hard to remember why it’s even funny. It combines a terrible impression of a character from Kids in the Hall with a scene from the movie Warlock and it originated some late night when lack of sleep and abundance of mind-altering chemicals made lots of things funny. There’s no reason why it would make sense to anyone except Rhonda Boaz, and it says “Suck It” to all the other titles in the world that would have made more sense. You’re all, “I ain’t care!” but I thought I’d explain it anyway.

From the Request Line

I found this old letter (and my response) while clearing out my eMail archives:

Hello Darci! A loooong while back, you may recall you kindly contributed your two cents via your friend Eric Gillin for a Maxim article on “What Women Think About During Sex.” Anyway, I’m hoping that you might have a story to contribute to a new article I’m working on for Playboy. This one, however, isn’t about sex with men. It’s about sex with women. If this is not something you’ve tried or you have and don’t want to talk about, feel free to ignore this query and forgive my forwardness! As a magazine writer I have no shame, unfortunately.

If, on the other hand, you have had sex with a woman and would like to relay your experiences, I’m all ears. Anonymity is guaranteed. Whether you’re bi-curious, bisexual, or a full-on lesbian, I would love to hear about your experiences–your first time, your only time, your best time, or all of the above. How did the seduction happen? Who made the first move? What did you say to each other? During sex, what surprised you most? What did you enjoy the most? In what ways was it different from sex with a man?

If you know any other women who you think might be up to contribute to this, please pass along this query. Thanks so much!

Sincerely,
Judy
***

Dear Judy:

Sorry to disappoint, but I actually have no experience with other women. I am, however, dating a guy who likes antiquing, taking baths, and watching HGTV. Does that count?

Good luck!
xo,
Darci

Zathura: A Hugging Adventure

Last night I was in this weird half-sleep where I was drifting off to nightmares. You know when you dream you are in your room, in your bed, so it feels like you are awake, but everything is fucked up? It was scary. I would wake myself up, and then as soon as I relaxed I would go right back to nightmare town.

So, I had to do something. And the something I did was turn on the TV. And what was on the TV was the movie Zathura. And even though I was so so sleepy, and even though I have seen this movie before, and even though I am not actually a fan of Zathura, I ended up staying awake to watch it through to the end.

The nightmares stopped, which is good. But the nightmare that is Zathura lives on. Here’s why.

I Get It, Pigs.

Last night, after a long day at work, I found myself thinking, “It would be nice to come home to a clean house, a hot meal, a cold beer, and a screw, if I felt so inclined. Now I get why men hated women’s lib.”

Disturbing.

I’m a feminist. I am grateful for the work of women smarter and stronger than me, who fought for my opportunity to work long hours for little (but equal) pay and without danger of being constantly sexually harassed (and believe me – that danger is great. Have you seen the cans on this one?).

But I now understand how hard it was for men to give up all the creature comforts they had grown accustomed to. Who wouldn’t want all those things to come home to?

I mean, whatever, they’re pigs. But I get it.

Nope. Try Again.

Tonight I asked my dog, “What should I have for dinner, Max? Spaghetti-Os or frozen pizza?”

She replied, “You are not making adult choices, Darci.”

Are You Fucking Kidding Me, Snickers?

Can’t Hardly Wait!

Remember that movie? That’s how I feel about tomorrow night, only not as lame. I was so confident (like Mike Dexter!) a few weeks ago, and now I’m so nervous (like Preston Meyers!). What if Obama doesn’t win? What if I have to live in a world where Sarah Palin is Vice President? What if I lose my virginity to Seth Green in a bathroom? It’s all so scary!

If you click the li’l picture there, you’ll see the tagline for the movie:

Yesterday’s history. Tomorrow’s the future. Tonight’s the party.

That sort of applies to the election, too. Although I guess “Yesterday’s history. Tomorrow’s the future.” really applies to everything, as it’s pretty much just the definition of “yesterday” and “tomorrow.” And in this case, tomorrow’s the party, and tomorrow will make history. Which I guess leaves the future for yesterday and today. Math!

My point is, I’m finding it hard to concentrate. I’m totally going to lose my job at the orange juice factory!

I’m Voting For That One

Please Hold For Your Listing

LISTS ARE FUN. They are the shortcut to comedy. I published a lot of lists on Kittenpants over the years, like this and this and this.

But listing can become an obsessive habit that lasts forever. Uncle Sloppy, and I would get stuck on a topic and wear the fuck out of it until the list reached its pinnacle of cannot-be-topped. Then we’d forget about it for a while, and then list some more. Examples, you say?

Genius.

Katey took this picture on her cell phone at a CVS today.

if this is a picture of you, I’m sorry but you are wrong.

Reminds me of the time Uncle Sloppy and I were driving down Sixth Avenue in NYC and saw a guy who, I swear to Jarod, must have weighed 600 pounds wearing a baby blue t-shirt that said, “Are you gonna eat that?”

He just totally owned it, you know?

This lady was wearing matching “Genius” pants. She is not “owning it.”