I Have No Legitimate Advice On Sex

Years ago, I wrote this little article for Black Table called UH, LOOK, DUDE, IT’S NOT ENTIRELY IMPOSSIBLE FOR YOU TO GET LAID.‏ In part, it was a response to an article they had posted a week earlier. But in a bigger sense, it was a response to all the “5 Ways to Meet Women” type articles written, by men and women, which are generally bullshit, in my opinion.

Additionally, my article was meant to be funny. Sure, it’s got some not wholly invalid points in it, but let’s face facts: it’s a joke. I mean, shit – I don’t have a degree in interpersonal relationships. I don’t even have interpersonal relationships. So, regardless of whatever claims of knowledge were made, taking advice from a humor article on the internet should be done with a grain of salt. Or a pound of salt. Or a ton of no salt whatsoever.

Unless you want advice on how to meet me, or how not to meet me, which I know a shitload about. I am fully qualified to tell you how to not meet me, which is this: send me an email detailing all your sexual frustration, and somehow blame me and my article for further confusing you in your quest to put your dick into ladies.

For example, this letter I received recently:

You hold it against us guys for having to learn how to speak to the majority of women out there and then you expect us to just instinctually know when to turn it on and off? Not only that but then you assume someone is feeding you lines when they might be just trying to make an icebreaker and introduction. Like there is a better way you know of to break the ice with a guy. Like you ever tried?

Women have no perspective. They judge us men by a meter stick that if they held it to themselves they would look just as bad if not much worse. The worst of it is that women can use traditionalism and liberation from moment-to-moment and it is fucking bullshit! To cherry pick which aspects of both ideologies you want to use when and where makes women look like spoiled little bitches who want their cake and the ability to eat it to. To be comfortable with paying for yourself and then be like “It’s a man’s job to make the first move” is talking out of both sides of your mouth. Pick a side ya flip-flopper flakes and don’t accuse men of being cowardly if you are also incapable of making the first move. It’s the pot calling the kettle black kind of a thing.

Umm… Did I publish this in Missing The Point Magazine? I never said women are incapable of making the first move, I only suggested you make one. By your logic, if you (the guy) pay for a woman’s meal, you are obligated to feel her up. But if she pays for her own, she might as well offer to blow you, too. Am I getting that right?

Also, I don’t care what other girls do with their cakes. And I do expect you to know that “instinctually” is not a real word.

Then there was this from another reader:

I liked your article on getting laid.  It was pretty strong.  But I think you discount proper game too much… Women have two slightly contradictory desires:  they want a strong alpha man and they want a stable provider.  Best way to get those checked off:  be successful and be relaxed.

Also, women totally want their needs reduced to two vague concepts. We’re surprisingly vapid and uncomplicated. And we carry checklists in our purses (next to our tampons). That’s why we have to go to the bathroom so goddamn often — to fill out our checklists.

I’m in headhunting now, which is a lot like sales in many respects. Before that I was a trial lawyer. In both realms, the best practice and study human psychology, motivation, and interaction. In both realms, there are some stock and rehearsed “lines” to move to an authentic, free-flowing conversation. There are a lot of hard-workers in both fields and very few naturals. It’s true, some could never do either thing. But once you have the raw material you must study, practice, and let the best techniques become intertwined with your being. Otherwise, you will be a lonely loser who is hen-pecked by a sub-standard wife or girlfriend that he’s scared shitless of leaving.

Are those the only two options? Either “let the best techniques become intertwined with your being” or be Andy Capp?

(Oh, and also, new rule: to get laid, don’t be “in headhunting.” Or if you are, don’t say you are. Or if you say you are, don’t not live in a 1980s movie about climbing the corporate ladder.)

Again, the point is to stop looking for some formula, and just hang out and talk to people like a real human. Then when you get laid, you get laid, not some alternate universe version of you that you’ve crafted using dog-eared copies of Maxim articles and a 20-sided die.

Hey there. I read your article… and loved to appreciate the instructive advice in there. I would like to be friends with you, and share my stories of shyness and would like to learn from you. Would you mind becoming that sort of a couch?

Yes, I would mind. Maybe there was a time when I wouldn’t have minded so much. But that time is over. I don’t care whether or not any of you ever get laid. And honestly, I never did care all that much. I don’t spend this much time on getting myself laid. But this is the kind of offer that ends all these letters.

Anyway, let me know if you want me to show you how it’s done if you’re ever in Florida.

And…

You probably don’t even give a fuck about any of this since you wrote it two years ago. Probably do not even check this email address… In case you are here then here are a few places you can check me out in case you want to make sure that the problem isn’t that I am just super ugly …

I’m sure that is not the problem.

Ladies, seriously, are we really that difficult to get into bed? Still? This isn’t the 1950s. Is it just me, or is it totally possible to hook up without some sort of master plan? That’s not a revolutionary idea. I’m not the Rosa Parks of bar sex. But maybe I am the Karen Silkwood of throwing away the rules and just being normal.