I Can’t Believe This Is My Job

Uh, we need you to create copy for a sticker that goes on a sandwich. It’s like a 3 inch sticker that tells the customer that you can heat this up in the microwave and that it’s fresh and fast and delicious.

So something like, “Heat and eat! Fast and fresh.”?

Well, we need to specifically say “in the microwave” to make sure they know they need to microwave it to heat it.

Right. We don’t want them to just leave it in the sun for an hour. So something like “Microwave me!” will work?

Actually, we need to give them step by step instructions.

On a 3 inch sticker?

Yes. Something that tells them that they need to take the sandwich TO the microwave, put it inside and heat it, then pay for it, then eat it. And that it’s fast and fresh.

Because they may see the sandwich, they may see the microwave, they may see the sticker that says “Microwave me!” and they may still be confused?”

Exactly.

WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE? IS THERE SOMEONE ALIVE WHO THINKS, “I’ll just throw this sandwich across the room in the general direction of the microwave. If I just hurl it near that heating contraption, it’ll warm itself up. Wait, what? I have to use my arms and legs? I have to put it INSIDE the oven in order to heat it? Now I’m confused. If only there was a User’s Manual to heating a fucking ham sandwich in a goddamn microwave. What am I, some sort of Einstein over here? I don’t have a degree in physics! I don’t know how heat works! I thought maybe I could just pick the microwave up, bring it over to this aisle and SHOW IT to my sandwich. Just threaten the shit out of my food until it gets hot. I can’t do that? I thought this was a CONVENIENCE store!!!!”

DO YOU REALLY THINK THERE IS ANYONE THAT FUCKING STUPID? AND IF SO, DOES HE EVEN DESERVE TO EAT FOOD? SHOULDN’T WE CONSERVE OUR RESOURCES FOR SOMEONE WHO CAN CONVERT THIS FOOD INTO PRODUCTIVE ENERGY — SOMEONE, OR SOME MONKEY, EVEN, THAT CAN CONTRIBUTE ONE IOTA TO SOCIETY?? IS THIS REALLY FUCKING NECESSARY?

Yes, and don’t forget to also tell them that it’s fast, fresh and delicious.

SHOVE YOUR FAST AND FRESH UP YOUR ASSHOLE. I’M TOO BUSY CREATING THE ENCYCLOPEDIA OF HEATING UP A SANDWICH OVER HERE. I’M STILL FIGURING OUT THE MATH OF HOW A PERSON THAT NEEDS TO BE TOLD TO WALK OVER TO A MICROWAVE IN ORDER TO USE IT ISN’T TOO DUMB TO FIGURE OUT CHEWING AND SWALLOWING WITHOUT EXPLICIT INSTRUCTIONS.

Oh, that’s probably a good idea. Do you think we could fit that on the sticker?

[murder/suicide]