Pass the Truth, Family

A billion years ago I was interviewed by Ms Claire Zulkey and I ended the interview with a list of the Best 61 Things I’ve Ever Done (to date). Many of these are true. Many others are not. It’s hard to tell the difference, so for all* of you who have been pestering me over the years for some clear answers (and thanks, in part, to the Freedom of Information Act), I have now provided you with a definitive list of Truths and Falsehoods.

YOU’RE WELCOME.

***

CZ: How does it feel to be the 62nd person interviewed for Zulkey.com.?

DR: It’s the 62nd-best thing I’ve ever done. The other 61 best things I’ve ever done:

1. Bought that WEEN country album - TRUE
2. Won 7th place in a pinball tournament - TRUE
3. Went on tour with Corn MO - TRUE
4. The dream I had about Joey Ramone and bees - TRUE
5. Memorized the lyrics to “Baby Got Back” - TRUE
6. Purchased SHORT CIRCUIT and TRIUMPH OF THE WILL at the same time - TRUE
7. Learned how to play “House of the Risin’ Sun” on guitar - TRUE
8. Met David Blaine - TRUE (that I met him, not that it was the best thing)
9. Got the Egg Wave and now I no longer have to settle for messy, greasy pans, or unhealthy sweets for breakfast - FALSE! MY EGGS ARE LIES!**
10. The hot dog tattoo on my right shoulder - NOPE
11. Downloaded the POLTERGEIST theme for my cell phone - TRUE? That was like six cell phones ago. But probably.
    
12. Turned down the role of “Chandler” on FRIENDS – NOPE (Source: Duh Afficionado magazine)
13. Got a photo credit in JANE magazine (9/03 issue) - TRUE
14. Remembered my Metro card this morning - TRUE (Still true!)
    
15. Named my cat Charlie Alpha Tango, instead of Superman Ratliff - TRUE
16. Made up a roller skating routine to “Footloose” – TRUE
17. Watched TEEN WOLF 42 times in the summer of 1986 - TRUE
18. Have never shit in a hamper - TRUE, but I know someone who has.
19. Do not pay too much for long distance - TRUE, but I know a guy who did.
20. Once had Paul Stanley leave my outgoing phone message - TRUE
21. Said “Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!” to my parents without getting in trouble - TRUE (jealous?!!!)
22. Learned how to drive - TRUE
23. Voted for Clinton. Twice. - TRUE. Both times.
24. Started eating meat again. - TRUE, then FALSE, then TRUE again.
25. Had a “pathetic geek story” turned into a comic strip in The Onion - TRUE
26. Won 2nd place in a beauty pageant (every time I play Monopoly) - TRUE (Monopoly-wise)
27. Built a robot out of old stereo parts and an already working robot - NOPE
28. Took that photo of Bush streaking the Alien hangar at Area 51 - NOPE
    
29. Got this lousy T-shirt (and nothing else) - FALSE? I do have a lot of lousy t-shirts, though.
    
30. Served ice cream to Sonny Bono - TRUE
    
31. Finally got “Lukenbach, Texas” out of my head - TRUE
32. Got “organizized” - TRUE (mostly)
33. Was published on Modern Humorist - TRUE
34. Met FOGHAT in a truck stop - TRUE
35. Learned thirty-two new Velveeta recipes - NOPE
    
36. Drank beer out of Jeff Sillie’s shoe on a dare - TRUE
37. Edited a movie called “Inbred and In Trouble” - TRUE
38. Finally collected all 432 “Precious Moments” - NOPE
39. Made a racist eat my scab - TRUE!
40. Survived the 60′s (but can’t remember them!) - NOPE
41. Started a religious cult in the 4th grade - TRUE!!!
42. Convinced my boss to let me buy silver binder clips instead of black ones - TRUE
43. Prom - TRUE?
44. My mom made Shake n Bake, and I helped - NOPE
45. Got a DVD of CATCH ME IF YOU CAN from David Cross - TRUE (Just found it yesterday)
46. Whoops!
    
47. Made Chris Weber see JOHNNY MNEMONIC on opening day - TRUE
48. Created kittenpants - TRUE
49. Learned to surf - NOPE
50. Turned down the role of “Puck” on The Real World - NOPE (I turned down the role of “San Francisco”)
    
51. Attended the 1996 Olympics in Atlanta - TRUE
52. Ordered the “guaco loco” for dinner - TRUE, although I prefer the Queso Loco.
53. I took college - TRUE
54. Learned how to play “Afternoon Delight” on the flute - TRUE
55. Hugged Jack Black - TRUE
56. Participated in “Hands Across America” - NOPE
    
57. Coined the phrase “You can put your boots in the oven but it don’t make ‘em biscuits.” - NOPE. I heard that from Dolly Parton.
    
58. Moved to NYC - TRUE, several times
59. Wrote a fan letter to John Schneider - TRUE
60. Survived spinal menengitis - TRUE
61. Got lost in Detroit with Steve Delahoyde and Claire Zulkey - TRUE. And now they’re married. Coincidence?
    

*all=none. But you already know that.

**according to my “lady doctor”

Note: the title of this post is an inside joke I have had with one of my best friends for so long, that it is hard to remember why it’s even funny. It combines a terrible impression of a character from Kids in the Hall with a scene from the movie Warlock and it originated some late night when lack of sleep and abundance of mind-altering chemicals made lots of things funny. There’s no reason why it would make sense to anyone except Rhonda Boaz, and it says “Suck It” to all the other titles in the world that would have made more sense. You’re all, “I ain’t care!” but I thought I’d explain it anyway.